Pursued by God: A Weekend That Changed My Life

There have been moments in my life that were a building block or a redirection that has led me to where I am today. There are the mountaintop moments like attending church camp for the first time, being baptized, my first mission trip, leading youth camps, or my spiritual retreat during seminary. But there are also the small moments in life that have changed me: a new relationship, finding a new routine or habit in faith, discovering a new favorite worship song, or leading worship for the first time. They’ve been defining and refining in their own ways. 

My Pursued weekend* was both of these things: defining and refining, yet both mountaintop and small. It was a weekend away from the world on a one thousand acre ranch. There, I encountered God in big ways and also in the ordinary. It was as if he was whispering to me, you’re just getting started.

Pursued Weekend

To be honest, I was skeptical going into the weekend. I knew others who had attended this experiential weekend, and they all said that it was life-defining for them. It literally changed the course of their life. Now, I’m not saying I didn’t believe them. I’m just saying that I had doubts that it would change me in that way too.

I went into the weekend looking forward to time away from responsibilities at home, but I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I didn’t have any huge sin in my life (or so I thought), and I didn’t think I was in a bad place with God. My relationship with Him was alright. I felt connected (enough) and I had been seeking to find Him in the ordinary parts of my day.

But God has a sense of humor. I’m sure you’ve experienced it a time or two. It became extremely clear to me when I arrived that God was wanting to shake up my faith that weekend. He was eager to completely change my view of Him and my relationship with Him.

A Fear of Intimacy

As we began to share about ourselves with each other, I felt God impressing on my heart that I needed to overcome my fear of intimacy. Y’all–I’m not lying when I say that I didn’t know I had a fear of intimacy. I knew I didn’t really like physical touch, and I struggle with friendships sometimes, but a fear of intimacy? Yeah right, God.

But it became clear to me that the reason I couldn’t ever see God as an intimate and loving Father was because I was holding onto past wounds, experiences, and words that made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of it. I couldn’t view myself as a beloved daughter of the Most High because I would rather worship God as sovereign than as loving and known. 

There was a reason that I struggled with intimacy in my marriage and with close friendships. And there was a reason that I often found it hard to put together words about a deeper, more intimate relationship with God. It was because I didn’t have that type of relationship with Him or anyone in my life, including my husband. My intimacy and connection with others had limits. I had walls up that I didn’t even know I had built. My view of God was narrow and firm.

But God had knocked down all of my walls by the end of the weekend.

The Acorns That Knocked Some Sense Into Me

Through various activities, experiential moments, sharing with other women, times of worship, and time alone with God in the wilderness, God broke down my walls one by one.

On Saturday morning, I had my hammock set up in a pair of trees. While I was sitting there, eyes closed and meditating, I got whacked in the head by something. I’m not kidding when I tell you that I thought a giant branch had fallen off the tree and just about knocked me out. Once I gathered my bearings, I realized that I had not been concussed by a branch, but that the wind had knocked a pair of acorns into my hammock from the tree. 

As I studied the two acorns that were connected to each other, I knew God was saying this is how we are to be: connected and whole. Intimately known by one other.

He literally hit me over the head with it. Okay, God.

At that moment, I realized that God had called me out to that Pursued weekend to break down walls I had built up years ago. He longed to have a deeper relationship with me. I had to tear down the walls I had around my heart and let Him in. He had literally led me into the wilderness and spoke tenderly to me (Hosea 2:14).

Throughout the rest of the weekend, God continued to speak, sometimes boldly and sometimes through small gestures. He made space for my wounds, for my tears, for my sins. He showed me great kindness and love as I slowly opened my heart up wider and wider for Him to enter in. I said goodbye to parts of me that I never want to remember again, and they were given over to God completely, once and for all.

Radical Honesty

I know that this blog post is a little out of the ordinary for me. But if I’m going to be honest about my faith journey and encourage you in yours, I need you to know that God will always meet us where we are. It doesn’t have to be on a retreat weekend, although that atmosphere does help. We just have to be open, honest, and willing. Maybe more so than we have ever been.

Because of radical honesty with God, myself, and the women I now call my newest friends in Christ,

I’m no longer carrying wounds from the past.

I’ve forgiven those who have hurt me.

I’ve been encouraged and affirmed in my walk and in my calling.

I no longer compare myself to others.

I’ve forged new friendships with women in Christ.

I’ve asked God for forgiveness for sins I’ve been stuck in for way too long.

I’m intentionally spending intimate time with the Lord.

I feel lighter and more free than I ever have.

I can call myself beloved daughter, loved and known by God, and truly believe it and live in it.

Because of my Pursued weekend, I’m freer, full of life, and honestly the closest I’ve ever been to God. This experience renewed me. I’m excited to share more about my experience and my newfound intimacy with God through my writing. I hope you can see Him shining through it even brighter now.

*I know many of you reading this don’t live in Texas or anywhere near it. But for those of you who are near, you can check out more information about Pursued on the Illuminate Ministries website. This weekend changed and reshaped my life, and I know it can do the same for you.